Archive for Stress

Drug Study Phobia

{ 2006 February 6 @ 9:58 am } · { Healthcare, Medical Care, Problems, Stress }
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Drug studies. Geez, what a fucked up thing, eh? You get paid (pretty well, by my standards) to be a guinea pig for some nameless huge-ass (and probably evil) drug company. (I mean, any entity that is THAT rich HAS to be evil…)

Now, if you even barely know me, you know that I have a heavy-duty blood/needle/hospital/doctor’s office phobia. But I’m only working half-time, and Dallas is expensive.

Well, M and I saw this one HIV drug study in the Dallas Observer Classifieds that offered $2,000 apiece! Geez! Four thousand bucks?!?! THAT boosts my courage real quick! We’ll do this one quick drug study and pay off a credit card! Yeehoo! We’ll do three or four a year, and be out of debt in no time! Yeee-hew!!!

So, we wake up bright and early this morning for the pre-screening at 8am. M and I were so excited, we got there 15 minutes early. I’m feeling really excited, ready to be on our way to richness.

We signed in, sat down, read the disclaimers, filled out a few forms. But then when we started reading about what the study entails: “If you are a woman, you must use at least two kinds of contraception.”

“Why?” I asked M.

“They don’t want you getting pregnant during the study. It could mess up the baby.” Eeek.

“Well, that sounds creepy.” Reading on, it said, “If you are a man, do not donate sperm for 30 days after the end of the study.”

Again, I asked M: “Why?”

“Your sperm is no good for 30 days after the study is over.” Ugh.

I really started noticing how much the place smelled like a hospital. I started getting a bit queasy, so right there in my little folding chair outside the reception room, I put my head between my legs and had M read to me. It just got worse. White bread toast for breakfast. Blood tests. My stomach started doing back flips and double-twists. I broke out in a cold sweat. I got tunnel-vision. I told M, “I’m not feeling very good.”

HA! That’s the understatement of the year!

M asked the receptionist if she could come back to Thursday’s screening. She got the OK and we split. We needed gas, but I couldn’t move. She pumped it in the blistering cold wind. Then she drove us over to Nodding Dog, where I had a tall cocoa and she had a terrible breve. I began to feel human again, and I drove me to work. And voila! Life goes on…

Stress, Problems, Writing to Feel Better (and listening to Kate!)

{ 2005 December 9 @ 8:31 pm } · { Change, Massage, Music, Problems, Stress, Therapy, Work }
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Currently Listening
Aerial
By Kate Bush
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Working late at Vision Wise. Hectic week, never being able to get caught up in encoding duties. Worked almost full-time this week. About time, really. I really need to go full time here– need the money… And i really like working here. Good people. Even Dylan, who’s pretty short with everybody, at least is intelligent and gets over himself pretty quickly when he DOES lose it.

M’s working a Xmas party with/for Philamena tonight in Highland Park. She’s had a rough day, rushing around, leaving her phone AND her wallet at Ross Dress for Less. Luckily they found both (phone was in dressing room, wallet at checkout counter), so i went by and picked them up.

I am really proud of M, though. She’s really hanging tough here in Dallas. She has really been my pillar of strength up until like last week, when i finally started to feel a bit “at home” here. She is just so much better at change, at adapting to change, than i am. Especially BIG change– and our move to Dallas is the biggest change we’ve ever encountered together.

So, i sorta had a few breakdowns last week and the week before– anxiety, depression. Anxious about work and money, depressed about being lonely, not feeling at home in Cheryl’s house, etc. And had a pretty major meltdown last weekend: got food poisoning, had been eating really bad stuff like fast food, sugar, etc. Crap. Stayed home Friday the 2nd, a week ago, ‘cuz i’d been up all night shitting and puking. And in pain. All over.

And then the breakdown.

But enough of that bummer stuff. Suffice to say i’ve not felt better in Dallas in the two months we’ve been up here. This was a good week. It’s nice to feel needed, like at work here… And Aaron’s invited me and M to a party at his house tomorrow night… looking forward to that.

But that will be after Cheryl’s Holiday Yoga Social tomorrow early evening. I’ll be massaging people there, for donations. I really need to think about what i’m going to do… Anything special? I really liked Vivian’s hot rocks. Made for a sweet and quick relaxer for a 15-minute massage. First place the stones on the back, on the back of the knees. Then use some of them to massage thru the clothes. When she did me it was nice. I didn’t quite feel that I had the hang of it the one massage i did at the chili cook-off…

And that’s another thing i’ve been feeling a bit anxious about: my massage. I’m just feeling very unsure of myself and of my massages these days. I think the experience with Wli and Gb kinda scarred me a bit. I felt *rushed* there, a bit stiff. Especially the first hour, with Wli. The second one, with Gb, was definitely better, but still not quite right.

And it didn’t help that Wli had the Financial Channel on FULL BLAST, with that LOUD-ASS M*F* young (apparently hot property) stock advisor screaming his head off (“TIME WARNER??? THEY’RE A FANTASTIC BUY RIGHT NOW!!! SNATCH UP AS MANY SHARES AS YOU CAN!!!), and throwing desk chairs around the stage, busting them up, as an all-male crowd “WOOF!!!”s him on.

Cheez. Yeah, i guess i’m probably a bit scarred from that one alright.

OK. Better now…

This new Kate Bush is pretty mellow. Nothing very weird like “Big Stripey Lie” from the Red Shoes or “Waking the Witch” from Hounds of Love, or “Leave It Open” from the Dreaming. Which kinda bums me out, really. I LIKED her wierd, more experimental stuff. The most daring thing on this album (well, besides the fact that it’s a two-disc set) is the really cool birdsong/human twitter blend on side two. VERY cool. But also a bit too subtle, and just plain not ENOUGH of it. I suppose she’s all grown up now, and happy in her motherhood and the simple things in her family life. Well, damn good for her! To Kate! (“to Kate!”)

Sister’s in Hospital

{ 2005 April 13 @ 5:54 pm } · { Family, Healthcare, Medical Care, Problems, Stress }
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My sister Deana’s in the hospital. Last night at 7, Mama heard “why? why?” from Deana’s room, ran in there, and found her unconscious on the floor. She tried to revive her, but cdn’t. Called 9-1-1. Ambulance cdn’t reviver her either. Took her to the emergency rm at Spohn South, and finally she came to enough to tell Mama her “head really hurt.” They did a CAT scan (which we know no results), and have been wanting to do a spinal tap, but when they tried Deana resisted too much.

They think she may have meningitis. Apparently another court reporting student at Del Mar came in yesterday, but refused treatment. Meningitis is either a viral or bacterial infection of the spinal fluid. According to the CDC website, particularly suseptible are students at college dorms, those in close living quarters with carriers, and old people. 10-15% mortality rate. My parents are 75 and 70, and Deana has been living with them now for three months or so. Not good.

Anxiously awaiting…

She’s OK

{ 2005 April 13 @ 2:35 pm } · { Healthcare, Medical Care, Problems, Stress }
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Currently Playing
Up
By Peter Gabriel
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- Signal to Noise -

*sigh* she’s ok. Just got back from the hospital. MRI and CAT scans were both negative. They wanted to do an arteriogram/angiogram, but when they explained to her that there was a 5% chance of the procedure causing a stroke, Dna said no thank you. Good for her.

They were freaking clueless, actually. When we got there, Dna was down in radiology. When the two RNs from radiology delivered her, they told us they didn’t know anything, they were from radiology.

One of Dna’s three doctors had told Mama that Dna wasn’t contagious. But he had apparently not made a note of it for the nurses, as one of them insisted we MUST wear facemasks. But while we were in Dna’s room, another nurse came in and fiddled with the IV machine without a mask on! When M told her the other nurse had not recieved note from a doctor that Dna was no longer risk of contagion, she just rolled her eyes and said, “whatever.”

See what i mean? Our freeking healthcare system is on the fritz big-time. I don’t trust any given doctor or nurse or other healthcare professional as far as i can throw them.

And who can afford it, anyway???

Thin Coats

{ 2004 February 13 @ 5:09 pm } · { Blogging, Creativity, Problems, Stress, Therapy }
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Well; I feel like blogging, and this is supposed to be an old blog, but my new one is unable to take new entries, so, just like i seem to do, i will spread out my life like a thin coat of paint, in a million different directions to try to get my color out there, all the while barely covering the bare necessities…
God, it’s cold! And it’s been cold all week, culminating in today and yesterday, and they say tomorrow’s supposed to be cold, too. Dang. And M wants to move north. To Santa Fe. Or Seattle. Or NYC. Gonna have to get something more than my current thin coat…

Simplicity.

{ 2003 December 26 @ 10:03 am } · { Creativity, Stress, Technology, Work }
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Simple. A simple Christmas. A simple life. I appreciate simplicity. Especially since i don’t feel like my life is simple.
Just too many things going on. My full-time Mac Manager job; my two classes that equal a half-time job. At least we don’t have the Lotus Cup any more. While we’ve still got loose ends dangling from what’s left of the Cup, at least it’s not open any more.
I keep wishing i had time for creativity– for music, for visual art, for video. I’m hoping i don’t need to keep re-creating my Graphic Design class every semester, but the field keeps changing. It’s so caught up in technology that there’s just no avoiding that change, especially from an education standpoint. That is, I am paid to stay abreast of current Graphic Design technology, and to be able to share that technology with my students. It is quite a challenge.
Must keep asking myself, “what do i want?” That keeps me in touch with the basics, with simplicity. I’m sure i need to focus.
Was watching TechTV’s ScreenSavers show and a lady was on demoing Final Cut. I was fascinated. M asked, “why don’t you go to film school?” Hmmm… I’d not really thought of that, but that would be pretty dang cool…

Blogging is…

{ 2003 December 18 @ 8:19 am } · { Blogging, Fiction, Politics, Problems, Sharing, Social Networking, Solutions, Stories, Stress, Technology, Therapy, writing }
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Blogging is very frustrating… makes me feel somehow inadequate when i can’t get to it regularly… like i’m letting down my “audience.“ As if anyone has time to sit and read my blog. I wish i had time to do all the things i would love to do, like create/compose/perform/record music, read books by crazy leftists, help get GWBush kicked out of office ASAP, etc.
There are just so many diversions these days… I really think this is one reason the neo-conservatives have been able to take over the White House: the masses of Americans are too busy taking their kids to soccer practice, surfing the web, going to concerts, listening to their iPods, making iMovies, watching “Survivor“ and “the Bachelor“ and “West Wing“ and “Carnivale“ and “the Sopranos.“ (One of my favorite mottos: “so much TV, so little time…“)
I keep hoping that blogging will someday help me get my life together much like journalling used to in the 80s and early 90s. I need to be able to “puke on the page“– even if the page is a computer screen. But there is definitely a difference between writing in pen on paper and typing on a keyboard to a computer display. That whole “computer as separator“ thing: the internet gives us “virtual personalities“ in which we never really “meet“ the people we’re “interacting“ with… we never physically touch them… and to me, physical touch is the heart of knowing someone… And that same lack is there in typing to a computer display: touch the plastic of those keys down here, something happens up here on the screen– separate… what a quantum physicist might call a “non-local effect.“ As is by “magic.“ Which it literally would be to someone from Isaac Newton’s time.
Anyway, going to see “Lord of the Ring: Return of the King“ tonight! Soo-weet! Opened last night, and Milena & i and Lisa & Matt watched the extended “Fellowship of the Ring“ at our place. Guess i’ll just have to remember “Two Towers“ on my own… what power films can have…
Posted by yugen at December 18, 2003 02:20 PM

sum growth & sum flicking away…

{ 2003 June 19 @ 1:21 am } · { Change, Family, Love, Macintosh, Peace, Politics, Problems, Stress, Technology }
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the days i feel like i’ve made some progress on a problem are good days. The days i puke, too, are good days. But when it’s my wife that’s puking, it’s not so clear whether it’s “good” or not…

She is getting better at it; used to be she would just keep drinking Maalox or taking Alka Seltzer until she was finally able to stave it off. Now she downs glasses of water and crams her finger down her throat. And it works; she has had at least three all-night ralphing sessions in the past, oh, six months.

Ok. Looks like she’s done now– it’s 1:25am. She just put on 2001: A Space Odyssey; it always lulls her to sleep.

Speaking of 2001, since i bought the DVD for my birthday on May 1, i’ve watched it a half-dozen times or so, and have noticed alot about it in the decade or so since i’d seen it last. Much of note illuminates the changes that have happened in the world in this past decade-or-so.

For instance, one of the main themes of the film is HAL screwing up. Time after time during the introductory “Discovery’s Mission to Jupiter” scenes, references are made to how “perfect” HAL is, how he nor any of the 9000 Series computers have ever made a mistake. It was such a shock to realize that again, after all these years!

I mean, here i make my living every day trying to work around computers that are screwing up. Every day. And in 2001, HAL is trying to reconcile human dishonesty and deception. The Discovery has a hidden, secret, mission that HAL knows about but the human crew don’t.

I think in Arthur C. Clarke’s book, this is explained much more. I don’t remember for sure, but i think HAL doesn’t even know, consciously, the secret part of the mission until they actually arrive at Jupiter.

But the point is, HAL goes kerbonkers. So Dave Bowman disconnects him. Or rather, “disconnects his higher functioning.” A lobotomy, in effect.

And in the movie, from there to the end is just one acid trip after another until the Star Child at very end.

But in the book, HAL actually encounters an alien intelligence, i think. Or does that come up in 2010? I know that by 2010, at least, HAL has become a disembodied, fully self-conscious being.

I love science fiction! It’s so cool to look back to the real 2001, and know that that was the year of 9/11, and of Bush’s retreat back to the savage nature of the ape-scenes of 4-million B.C. 2001. Bush practicing more honesty and deception…

What a huge opportunity lost! I totally understand why Natalie Maines told that London audience she was embarrased to be from the same state as Bush. Me too.

In order to grow, we often have to flick off some old ways…